Chapter 2 Back in L.A.
Josh stepped off the plane into a day as gray and gloomy as he felt, as though the sun itself had been plagued by guilt at the thought of shining under such dismal circumstances. Aware of the need to be somewhat in control of his faculties for Brian’s sake, Josh had stopped drinking well short of reaching the oblivion he sought. And now that the effect of what he had consumed was beginning to wear off he felt dizzy and sick. But then, perhaps the alcohol had nothing to do with that.
The rest of the band piled off behind him and together the group strode silently through the corridor leading into the terminal, all feeling as one the odd sense they were somehow enacting a rehearsal for the funeral procession yet to come.
Julie’s brother Brian was waiting at the gate when they got inside. He looked somber and sad yet still emanated that curious calm Josh had never been able to comprehend but always found inexplicably comforting. Today, though, overcome with a heightened awareness of his own inadequacy, upon meeting Brian’s gaze Josh’s eyes brimmed over with tears, and in seemingly one motion he dropped his carry-on bag and folded into Brian’s arms. Brian held him silently as the rest of the group assembled in small huddle off to one side, patiently awaiting some signal from their faltering leader as to how they should proceed.
At last Josh let go of Brian, brushing hastily at his tears with a self-conscious shrug. And after giving Brian a long look that somehow sought forgiveness and both begged for and offered strength, Josh turned to face his companions.
“Tommy, you left your truck here, right? You can drop everybody off? I’m gonna catch a ride with Brian. ”
“Sure, bro,” Tommy answered.
“You want us to come over?” Matt asked. “Maybe a little later or whatever…”
“I don’t know — I’ll give you a call, I guess…”
“Yeah, okay,” Chuck said, giving Josh a firm squeeze on the shoulder, before turning to Brian. “Hey, man, I’m really sorry.”
“Thanks,” Brian answered, embracing Chuck briefly, then each of the others in turn as they likewise offered their condolences. At last they filed out, leaving Josh and Brian alone in the busy terminal. It was Brian who broke the silence.
“My car’s in short-term parking.” Then, gesturing at Josh’s carry-on, he continued, “That all you got?”
“Yeah,” Josh replied, only too aware of the completeness of his answer.
Pretending not to read his thoughts, Brian picked up the bag and the two walked off in silence.
Brian paid the parking attendant and proceeded out onto the roadway with an uncertain glance at Josh who sat slightly hunched in the passenger seat. It crossed Brian’s mind that he looked like a cast-off hand puppet, who bereft of another being’s support had somehow crumpled into a formless, almost unrecognizable self. Hesitant to intrude on Josh’s dark reverie and in truth more than a bit unsettled by his own thoughts, Brian drove on in a silence that remained unbroken for several minutes.
Finally the car stopped at an intersection and Josh suddenly found himself staring at the diner where Julie worked — where Julie had worked, he corrected his fumbling mind. Waiting for the light to change, glancing back and forth between the large once-inviting windows of the diner and the ominous stare of the red traffic light, Josh wondered dimly what was going on inside. Did her co-workers know yet?
“What day is it,” Josh thought. “Saturday.” Allison would be working. “Ah, man. Poor Allison.”
A year ago Julie and Allison had taken an English class together at the local community college. Allison had then recently moved in with her boyfriend after a blowup with her parents who insisted he was trouble and begged her to stop seeing him. Learning too late that they had been correct, Allison had at last confided her troubles to Julie. Always willing to help friends fight their demons despite ongoing battles with her own, she had listened patiently to Allison’s tales of her boyfriend’s drunken rages and the determined independence that prevented her from returning to her parents.
Convinced Allison had to leave somehow, Julie had gone to her boss and talked him into giving Allison a job, then helped her find an apartment, for which Julie also loaned her the money to pay the first month’s rent.
Allison’s boyfriend had been furious and her parents dismayed at being deprived of boasting “I told you so” but Allison had been ecstatic. And, of course, through all of this she and Julie had become the best of friends. Surely this news would break Allison’s heart.
The light turned green and Brian made a left-hand turn.
“She didn’t leave a note, right?” Josh asked suddenly.
“No. Nothing.” A pause. “Did you talk to her at all after you got to San Francisco…call her before your gig or anything?”
“No. The guys from the label picked us up and we were with them right up to sound check. I just wanted to wait until I could give her some good news…whatever that means.”
“I talked to her yesterday after you left.”
“She called you?”
“No. I called her. I wanted to tell her –. Well, these aren’t exactly the circumstances I’d hoped for to share my own “good news”, but Annie’s pregnant. We decided to get married in June and I called to tell Julie and ask if you’d be my best man.”
“Jesus.”
“But, I mean, you don’t have to worry about that shit now… You know…I mean…whatever…”
“What did she say? You couldn’t tell she was upset or anything.”
“Not at all. I keep asking myself that — well, you can imagine. But no, she was fine… I mean, she wasn’t fine, obviously, but she seemed really…calm. I don’t know. Maybe I should’ve thought that was weird. Maybe she was too calm. I don’t know. She just — she just seemed like everything was under control. But, like you said, whatever that means.”
Josh stared out the window in silence for a moment. Then, suddenly, “Where are you staying,” he asked. “I mean, you can stay at our place…uh, the apartment — I mean, you’re welcome…” His voice trailed off as he struggled for the words to express the proper sentiment. It wasn’t that he meant to be inhospitable, or that he was eager to be alone in a place he knew he’d never again think of as home. Somehow he just couldn’t find a way to invite Brian to occupy the space his sister had…(how to say it?)…vacated(?)…only hours before. After all, what is the proper way to ask someone to share a night in Hell?
